LIVEBLOG by megan Boyle

Author:megan Boyle
Language: eng
Format: epub
Publisher: Tyrant Books
Published: 2019-06-11T16:00:00+00:00

MAY 6, 2013

2:12am: looked at phone again, 2mg Xanax for sleep

7am: woke peed ate 1mg Xanax for sleep

1–2:00pm: woke and wanted to continue sleeping. zachery couldn’t find wallet, asked if I wanted to go to dunkin donuts, said I wanted to sleep and offered him red bull, ate ‘sugar donut’ from yesterday in bed, he fed me spoon thing of kratom (have tried once/am curious, he eats daily), he found wallet, walked to dunkin donuts, large coffee, talked about tryotophobia and funny things, made plans to film him falling out of more trees in central park tomorrow.

3:09pm: at post office, cop behind me in line excitedly described seeing a man in women’s clothes to an unclear audience. held door for him as we exited. i told him about a man in a clown outfit laying on the ground in union square. he said ‘that’s what life is today, there’s nothing else to do.’

3:47pm: walking to head shop that sells kratom, I think. Stopped to pet a cat almost identical to Brad the cat for some time. Fatter than brad and less sick-looking eyes.

3:55pm: queens smoke shop employee asked what kratom was and I said ‘an herbal…thing.’ he said ‘like medicine?’ I said ‘like, um. An herbal thing.’

4:03pm: driving to other head shop thing on long beach…seems…mistake, to be doing this maybe, but I’m already committed. 26mins away.

4:21pm: at bridge toll I went in the…it didn’t say ‘all passes,’ thought that would include ezpass but no. Backed out of lane, no honks, people seemed understanding. Said ‘I thought it included ezpass’ and toll booth lady seemed understanding. Gave her $2. She told me to have a good day.

4:33pm: Zachery texted that he got hit by a car but it didn’t hurt. I’m in long beach, searching for kratom. Feeling a crushing empty thing, re the choices presented to me, endless possibilities for what I could be doing right now and it’s this. Listening to young family. Skimmed Zachary’s (ex-boyfriend, not mushrooms friend Zachery) interview with Jamie. Saw no gchats from him.

4:59pm: kratom place doesn’t seem there, like, the building is not there. Talked with dad on phone. I am pulled over on some residential street next to a house where a boy is shooting baskets alone.

5:05pm: called macmedics. my computer will be ready tomorrow. tried to take a picture of boy playing basketball.

5:11pm: went to ‘jack’s pizza’ place, then deli. both no restrooms. felt ‘looked at.’ now peeing at ‘mar di tierra’ restaurant. feel like vincent gallo in ‘buffalo 66’ when he couldn’t pee.

5:14pm: fighting urge to treat myself with pizza slice from ‘jack’s [seemingly restroom-less] pizza.’ Will feel worse if I eat it. Going to…Jesus…everywhere where there’s internet seems so far away. Feel far away from everything in general, things I felt yesterday. Keep thinking ‘I want to go home, I’ve made a mistake’ but I don’t know what ‘home’ I want.

5:19pm: surprised ‘Hollywood nights’ by Bon Seger is on my phone. Skipped seven songs that all sounded too painful to hear, via memories of listening.

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